Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel inadequate? I look at other moms and I think, "how do they do it?" They cloth diaper, they teach baby sign language, they start potty training from birth, all with a clean house and dinner on the table. Then I look at myself. I'm a lazy slob. We've lived here for over a month and I still haven't really cleaned the bathroom. Isaac doesn't know sign language, is not potty trained, and I totally couldn't hack cloth diapering. I rarely have dinner ready when Sean gets home and sometimes he ends up making it himself. Sometimes I'm grumpy. I don't always want to give myself fully as I vowed to do when I got married. I'd much rather stay contained in an independent, selfish, little pod. And Isaac, well, he is the joy of my life and I love him fiercely, BUT sometimes I'm impatient, irritable, etc. We let him cry because I couldn't handle being up several hours a night with him anymore. And sometimes, Lord forgive me, I feel the need to push him to be some kind of prodigy child who hits all his milestones early and is perfectly well-behaved, instead of just loving him for the wonderful little person that he is. I don't always like being a mom. Sometimes I'd rather retreat into the aforesaid pod to eat junk food and watch TV all day.
These are my confessions. A few of them anyway. I'm sure I've left out enough to fill a whole Victorian novel. But now that that's out there let me just pray that God will use me anyway. That my faults will allow me to rely solely on His grace. That I will have the humility to finally stop trying to do it on my own and instead surrender to His Divine Will.
Now, maybe I should get some housework done before Isaac wakes up.
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears" -Mumford and Sons
"God doesn't ask us to be successful, he only asks us to be faithful" -St. Teresa of Calcutta